Absum
by Sibele
Summary: After Shepard's death, crew members of the Normandy wrote letters and made videos to the deceased Commander. When she's resurrected, the files are anonymously delivered to her hands. Spoilers for ME1, ME2, references to locations from ME3. Kaidan/FemShep
1. Chapter 1

Absum: Latin. "I am absent."

* * *

_Hey, Commander._

_I heard about your near death experience that landed you in the Citadel hospital, where I assume you're sitting right now. Look. You've already died once. Doesn't really seem like you're trying that hard to avoid another trip to hell. Do you own a timeshare there or do you get a deal if you bring a friend or something? Because I heard that Garrus is kind of worse for wear, too. Probably in a hospital bed adjacent to yours right now._

_Anyway, I figured if you needed some incentive to not die again, these would be good. So… yeah… try not to die again anytime soon, okay? We kind of missed you. Don't ask me how I got these – it wasn't easy and I'm sure everyone would tear me apart if they knew I had given them to you. Just take some time and appreciate them. Think about things. Get better at dodging bullets so you don't end up at Huerta Memorial again._

_I should probably sign this anonymously, just in case you decide to go all noble and tell people that you had access to their private thoughts. Which you probably will, knowing you. Your morals are kind of a pain in the ass sometimes, you know that?_

_Enjoy._

Shepard's thumb passed over the small white square, softly brushing over the letters. She hadn't received a handwritten note in the longest time. It was unusual to have paper aboard the Normandy because it was inefficient to have as cargo. She could understand why the anonymous writer had chosen to handwrite the note, though. Datapads could always be hacked (especially with friends like Liara and Tali) and their authors could become known. Paper couldn't be made to surrender the identity of the anonymous writer.

The note had been attached to a small box that held a data storage device. Shepard had turned the datapad on and viewed a list of files stored on it, but she had yet to open a single video or document.

She was torn. On one hand, these were technically all addressed to her. They were made for her, with her in mind, and the files weren't locked by a password or code. She wouldn't have to hack into anything to access them. Still, her stomach twisted. These hadn't been made to be viewed by anyone. These were private entries…

Her dark eyes trailed down the file listing. The first was a video, made by Dr. Chakwas a week after her death. What would Dr. Chakwas have to say about her? Shepard swallowed hard. No. These were not supposed to be seen. These were not hers. It would be an invasion of privacy.

Reclined in her pristine hospital bed, Shepard took a quick breath. _Watch it, _a voice whispered. _They're addressed to you. They were given to you. See what you have to live for._

Against her better judgment, she took a quick glance around (but her hospital room was empty, of course) and used her index finger to select the first file.

* * *

**Chakwas001vid**

**1015**

"Hello, Shepard," Dr. Karin Chakwas appeared on the small screen of the datapad, her mouth smiling slightly but her expression sad overall. Small bags lingered beneath her eyes, the skin puffy and irritated looking. The doctor hesitated for a moment, reaching forward to adjust display settings. "I… don't know what to say to you. I keep expecting you to barge into my medical laboratory at any moment, demanding medi-gel for something you've done to yourself."

She laughed softly, her gaze trailing to the side of the camera. Her eyes unfocused. "I remember the first time I met you. You were confident, beautiful. Excited to make a difference. You reminded me of myself. I looked forward to see how you would grow as a person as time took its toll."

Dr. Chakwas focused on the camera, eyes snapping to attention. "I guess we'll never know how you might have changed and what would have become of you. I can't imagine you retiring. No… too tame for someone like you. You were always so… alive…"

Her eyes misted and sniffed loudly. "Anyway. No need to blubber on about something that's done. You're gone. But your presence lingers, as it has always done. When you were on shore, you inspired troops with your absence. They would try harder to make you proud when you returned. Now that you're gone, it's almost the opposite. Some have stopped trying altogether.

"That's why I've started this. I've created this. The Shepard Files. Personal journals, logs, videos… anything done with you in mind, Shepard. As a professional, it's my opinion that doing so will help the grieving process, especially with crew members that were closer to you. I don't know where you are, Shepard. Heaven, hell, some in between that we couldn't have foreseen… but I hope you know how much everyone loved you.

"I think I'm done for today."

Chakwas leaned forward, turning off the video and sending Shepard back to the index screen of the data pad. The rest of the files had dates close in proximity; a day or two after Chakwas recorded her video. Her finger hovered over the next file. It was from Kaidan. Her heart lurched. What would he say? She hadn't seen him since Horizon, where he had all but cursed her for not revealing she had been revived, for not contacting him, and worst of all – for working with Cerberus.

She had tried to tell him, tried to explain that she had been unconscious for two years after her death and had no way to contact anyone. Cerberus was a way to achieve a goal and nothing more. Shepard hadn't believed that he could think she would work with an organization like that voluntarily… but he had. He had accepted it. Readily, in fact. Shut her down, left, and then sent a vague message a few days later.

So far, Kaidan hadn't received a response message. She liked to say that it was because she didn't have time, but in reality… she did. She had plenty of time to return messages, all cooped up in her hospital room with her broken leg. It was because she didn't know how to respond to his message.

At one point, as they were on the road to fighting Saren, Shepard had thought that she and Kaidan might have some sort of future together… it hadn't gone anywhere while they were chasing down Saren and saving the universe because she didn't want to have the universe be destroyed as a result of her little crush. She had planned to seek him out eventually and pursue some sort of relationship, but… she had died. And stayed unconscious for two years. Those circumstances kind of hampered her love life.

"Do I even want to see this?" she murmured under her breath, finger still hovering over Kaidan's first file. It was a document, not a video, which she was thankful for. It would be easier to not feel anything if she didn't have to see his face. Her finger touched the datapad gently.

* * *

**Kaidan001doc**

**1454**

_Shepard –_

_Chakwas is requiring all crew members to write at least one letter to you. Some seem pretty happy to do it. Garrus was typing away earlier, like he'd never have enough time to write all he wanted to tell you. You two were really good friends. I feel bad for him. Sometimes he will read something and laugh under his breath or look confused and he turns and looks over his shoulder as if he's expecting to see you sitting in your old spot and can't wait to share what made him laugh or what confused him. His face falls, then he goes back to whatever he was reading._

_I don't like this. I don't like making people write to someone. It shouldn't be forced, but I'll do whatever Chakwas wants me to. I'm good at following orders. You should know that. You ordered me to leave the Normandy without you. I only left because I thought you would catch another escape pod, because I thought I'd see you later._

_I didn't. And I haven't. And I hate how I'm expecting you to answer this letter._

_I know you won't._

_- Kaidan_

Shepard stared down at the words until they went out of focus, becoming a giant blur of orange and blue.


	2. Chapter 2

**Liara001doc**

**910**

_Commander Shepard,_

_I feel terrible because I don't feel terrible about your death. I can't believe you're gone. I feel nothing for your death, not because we weren't friends (We were – remember that night at the Citadel bar when those men tried to claim they were crew of the Normandy in order to "pick us up" as you had said?) but because I don't believe it has sunk in yet._

_I'm trying to justify the numbness. Maybe it'll sink in later. Or maybe it won't. I'm scared, Shepard. I'm scared that I'll never feel your death._

_The asari believe that everything in the universe is connected. When we die, spiritual energy simply courses back into the universe and provides substance used to fill new mortal vessels. You had a lot of energy and personality, Shepard. Your fiery soul will power a thousand new vessels._

_For now, I wait. I wait to feel your absence._

_Liara_

* * *

Shepard's brow creased as she returned to the index list. This was Liara's only contribution to – what had Chakwas called them?_ The Shepard Files._ The Commander scrolled down the file list – Garrus, Joker a few times, Tali's name came up once, and then…

**Kaidan001vid**

**Kaidan002doc**

**Kaidan003doc**

**Kaidan001img**

**Kaidan004doc**

It went on and on and on. Kaidan, Kaidan, Kaidan. There were many files contributed by him, the dates sometimes a few weeks between entries and other times they were back to back with only a few minutes separating their recording time.

She continued scrolling down, looking at the time stamps on the documents. The second to last video had been recorded a few weeks after Horizon… and the last one had been recorded a few days ago, on the day of her admittance into the hospital. Kaidan had still been writing to her, even after she had been "dead" for over a year and a half…

It took all of her self control to not click on those last few entries. As badly as she wanted to hear what Kaidan had to say about her, she knew these things were in order for a reason. Shepard instead selected the next file, a letter from Garrus written a few months after her death.

* * *

**Garrus001doc**

**1702**

_Shep-_

_They found a piece of your armor today. It looked like a piece of your greaves, but I didn't get a good look at it. Honestly, I didn't _want_ a good look at it. I don't want to remember you as pieces of armor floating through space. I'd prefer to remember you as you were in life: strong, intelligent, funny, and – Kaidan would become so jealous if he read this – beautiful. Even as a turian, I could still see how attractive your confidence made you._

_Don't get me wrong, Shepard. I only ever thought of you as a friend. Someday I thought I might invite you to spend shore leave on Palaven with me, introduce you to my family and get some drinks or something. On second thought, that would probably be difficult. Palaven has high radiation levels… I wouldn't want you to grow a third arm, even though it would be a fearsome sight. You're invincible with two arms – I think with a third, you'd be godlike._

_I mean… you _were_ invincible. I thought so, at least. Until now. I'll get over it, Shepard. I've lost friends before, though none as close as you. Time fixes everything and, of course… it's always easier once you have something else to focus on. I'm trying to get that focus._

_I think everyone else will be okay, too. Liara's just now finally starting to realize that you're not coming back. She's a smart kid – she _knew _you were dead, but didn't let herself feel it. She looks so sad sometimes, it'd break your heart._

_Kaidan… I don't know what's going on with him. He's becoming increasingly bipolar. When Chakwas first told us to write our letters to you, I immediately began scribbling down the things I wanted to say to you. He began glaring at me intensely for no reason, and then later looked extremely crushed as he walked past your empty quarters._

_Tali and I have been talking about you a lot. I think it helps. We do so openly; sometimes others come by and join us. Kaidan avoids these chats. He spends a lot of time by himself. I hope he finds something new to focus on. For so long, whether you were aware of it or not, you were his focus._

_I think you did know. I think everyone knew._

_Tomorrow, they're supposed to dedicate a memorial garden to you in the Citadel. I plan to be there only because Tali asked me to go with her. I don't think Kaidan will be there. We'll see how it goes. If anything eventful happens, I'll write once more._

_Otherwise, this will be my only letter. I don't have anything to say to you in death that I didn't say to you in life. You're a great person, Commander. A strong leader, strong friend. Your morals are – were – solid and noble. You'll be remembered by thousands, if not millions._

_Take care._

_And, of course, continue kicking ass in whatever place you're in now._

_Garrus Vakarian_

* * *

**Joker001vid**

**0448**

"- and it's sunrise, you can see it breaking over that planet over there."

Joker's face appeared on screen as Shepard selected the next file. It appeared to be slightly damaged; the reception was fuzzy and the pilot's voice kept crackling. He was sitting at the helm of a ship, smiling slightly as he nodded his head toward the wide, reinforced window.

"Finally back in space, Commander. I broke a couple bones. Or, I guess – _you _broke a couple bones. You've gotta watch your strength, Shepard, you cracked my ribs when you threw me into that escape pod. I guess it's better than the alternative, though…"

He gazed out the window. "They didn't let me fly for a long time. Also your fault. Kept debriefing me about the mission, wanting to know _exactly _what I saw in those final moments. Not just the officials, though. I thought Kaidan was going to pummel me when he saw that you weren't in my pod…

"I don't blame him. Kinda wanted to pummel myself, to be honest. I wish he would have done it. At least then I…"

There was a sound of an airlock opening and someone stepped into the room. Joker's eyes snapped away from the video camera and instead focused on whoever was behind the camera. "Ah, yeah, sorry –"

Everything went black.

* * *

**Joker002vid**

**0502**

"Ah," Joker was back in the next video, apparently started minutes after his conversation with the arriving officer had ended. He straightened the camera, readjusting his hat and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Sorry about that. The doctor aboard this ship is crazy. She demands that I take medicine hourly to 'accelerate bone growth' and 'encourage healing.' I hate to tell her that she's not gonna miraculously cure my disease or anything, no matter how many vitamins she stuffs down my throat.

"What were we talking about…?" he trailed off, fingers nervously tapping the armrests of his chair. "Oh, right. The arrival. A nearby – and I use this term loosely, Shepard, because nobody was in the area when the Normandy got shot down – ship picked us all up. Got all the escape pods evacuated and gave us first aid."

Joker paused, his eyebrows angling downward as he frowned. His mouth was pressed into a hard line for several moments, before he took a deep breath and finally spoke. "My arrival was kind of a… complicated moment. Everyone was hurrying to look inside my escape pod, but they… they didn't see me. Looked right through me. Everyone had eyes for you, Shepard, but you weren't there.

"Kinda hard to be the guy that let the Commander float into space," He raised his hands slightly as he said this, shaking his head. "I know, I know. If you were here, you'd say something like, '_but you didn't let me float into space_' or '_don't blame yourself, Joker'_ or anything else that's kind of sickeningly nice and annoyingly noble and all those other things you are.

"The truth is, though… I don't know, Shepard. I'm not sure I shouldn't be blaming myself. You _died. _You're _gone. _And, yeah, it sucks that you died and everyone loved you and they're missing you and the Normandy's crew collapsed without you… but, it just… I'm kind of thinking it's hard to be the survivor, too. I'm not Joker anymore. I'm Joker, the pilot that was the last guy to see Shepard alive. I'm Joker, the guy that watched the Commander float into space.

"I mean, joking aside for once – I'm a pretty smart guy, Commander. I can't help but think I could've done something… more, you know? Or at least changed some things, so it would be you making this video in my memory instead of the other way around."

He took another breath, held it for a few moments, and then released it. He sounded frustrated as he leaned toward the camera. "Yep, I'm done. This pity party should be over now."

* * *

**Tali001doc**

**0956**

_Hello, Shepard._

_I have prolonged writing this letter, even though I must have started it a thousand times. It doesn't get easier. I feel a bit embarrassed, as well, composing a letter to someone that will never read it. I suppose I should, however. Garrus told me that it lightens a weight, so per his request, I have stopped my procrastination._

_Things are improving, but they are getting worse at the same time. The Normandy crew is not what it used to be. After the ship's destruction, we were put into apartments at the Citadel for a few weeks while the Alliance carried out an investigation. Eventually, one by one, the crew members began to drift elsewhere._

_Garrus was the first to leave. He came back for your memorial, but… he has since disappeared and I'm not sure of his exact location. I believe Kaidan is once again serving in the Alliance, though the details are fuzzy. He was vague when he said goodbye to everyone. Liara was making some arrangements to leave and I, too, am leaving to rejoin my people._

_It's not the same without you. It feels strange to not wake up and see the walls of the Normandy. I've lost contact with so many people in such a short span of time. It seems like so many people have lost contact with… everyone. Of course I'm talking about the ghost that Garrus has become, but Kaidan, as well._

_He didn't seem to be handling your death very well. When I left, he seemed to be trying to pull himself together before being shipped out. I'm not sure if he's succeeded or if he's only making it look like he's succeeded._

_Kaidan has shut down without you, Commander, but… we are all still struggling to pick up and move on with our lives._

_Love_

_Tali'Zorah_

* * *

**Garrus001vid**

**0326**

For a moment, Shepard didn't think the camera was operating properly – she could hear small rustling noises, but only saw darkness. She tapped the datapad's screen once, before a blue light clicked on in the video. Garrus had turned on an overhead light somewhere, but she couldn't identify where he was, exactly. The blue light only illuminated the angles of his face, leaving the background shrouded in pitch black tones.

"Hello, Commander. You've been gone a year and a half, you know. I'll admit I've had some alcohol to drink and it's all been toasted to you, Shepard."

The turian glanced over his shoulder, looking at something in the darkness for a long moment before turning back to the screen. He pulled something from out of the camera's frame and then held it in front of him. The video took a few minutes to focus, but once it did, Shepard felt her lips pull into a smile.

He was holding a blurred photo of Kaidan, Shepard, and himself all crowded around each other in a cramped-looking bar. It had been taken a few weeks after Saren's defeat, but before they had been sent to clean up the remaining geth… just a few days before her death.

Shepard paused the video, studying the faces in the photo.

Nobody in the picture was aware of the impending tragedy. Shepard was smiling at the camera, crushed between Garrus and Kaidan. Garrus had his arm loosely around her shoulder, but only so they could all fit into the frame. Kaidan's own arm wrapped around her waist and a light blush could be seen upon his cheeks.

She frowned slightly, touching the spot on her waist where his fingers had once rested. She could almost feel the weight of Kaidan's hand, if she closed her eyes and focused… it was warm, he was warm, radiating heat in the cramped bar. Garrus' skin was rough on her right side, but Kaidan's soft tee shirt was inviting and smooth on her left side.

No. No, that was over, he was gone, he had yelled and condemned her for working with Cerberus. She pressed play, resuming the video.

Garrus smiled, his dry skin making a soft brushing noise as he did so. "Look at that. That's us, Commander. I remember Kaidan and I had to practically pour the drinks down your throat, you were so adamant about not drinking on the job. Eventually, though, you caved. That's what I always liked about you, Commander. You could stick it out and get the job done your way, but sometimes you knew exactly when to be… human, I suppose."

The turian paused for a dozen seconds, looking thoughtful and sad. Finally, he cleared his throat, as if he was just now realizing that the camera was still recording. "Well," he said, rubbing his neck awkwardly. "It's late. I should be asleep. I just wanted to share this with you, Shepard. We did good, didn't we? Made one hell of a team… one hell of a friendship. I'm still surprised that no enemies just put down their weapons when they realized their opponents made up the legendary Shepard-Vakarian assault team.

"I won't forget you, but I can't move past this if I can't bury you. So… goodbye, Shepard." He nodded once, gave a half-salute, and then the screen was returned to the index.

* * *

**Joker001doc**

**0726**

_Commander – _

_I've been feeling guilty about that video. Yeah, I know, right? Joker, feeling something. Ha ha. Well, yeah, I've been feeling guilty as hell even though it was so long ago. A year? A year and a half? Maybe longer. You've been gone for a year and a half and I made the video a few months after you died, so…_

_Doesn't even matter, I guess. All that matters is that I was a total prick last time I was talking to you. You died. I lived. And I'm the one complaining?_

_Doesn't seem fair._

_But then again, when is anything fair? You dying sure as hell wasn't. You were a good Commander. No, you were a _great_ Commander. You did the impossible and you did it even with the pain in the ass Council blocking your every move._

_Just… don't think I'm not grateful, Commander. I am. I'm grateful that you saved my life and pulled me from the wreckage of the Normandy. From now on, no complaining. Well. Probably a little bit, especially with all these Alliance officers crawling over me and watching my back like a hawk._

_Speaking of the Alliance – I'm looking to change careers. Did you know that? I've got some offers from different organizations. They all look pretty boring. This Lawson lady keeps bothering me. I don't really like her. She's started sending me a bunch of messages that have the title lines in all caps. Pretty annoying. _

_Anyway, I'm getting off on a tangent here. The point is, Shepard: Thanks. For everything. Thanks for including me in what was probably the greatest thing I'll ever do. Saving the galaxy? Hell, yeah, what else could I ask for? Thanks for saving my life. _

_I'm not really sure what else to say to you, so I'll say what I didn't get a chance to as my escape pod rocketed away…_

_Goodbye._

_- Joker_


	3. Chapter 3

That was that. There weren't any more letters or videos from the rest of the Normandy crew. Now it was just… Kaidan. Kaidan, Kaidan, Kaidan, and the seemingly endless videos and letters that had been contributed by the Alliance soldier.

* * *

**Kaidan001vid**

**0214**

"Heeey. Shepard."

A smiling Kaidan appeared on screen, his eyes heavy lidded and a flush slowly spreading across his tanned cheeks. "I can't really type right now. Getting this video program up and running was challenging enough… but I wanted to talk to you. Haven't written to you since that first mandatory letter from Chakwas."

His surroundings didn't look familiar at all. Kaidan was seated in an office chair that had wheels, but behind him a bed was neatly made and curtains were open to reveal a view of the Citadel. A hotel, maybe? Yes, definitely a hotel – he lifted up a datapad and she could see a list of room service amenities available on its screen.

"It's been almost two years since you died, Shepard," he said quietly, slowly moving down the list of food and drinks available. "I went out with a doctor tonight… it didn't go very well. I drank too much. She got mad and left. I'm drunk as hell, Commander."

He continued to smile at the camera and she could feel her heart lurch in her chest. "Hey, remember that time, after Saren? You and Garrus and I all went up to that tiny bar at the top of the Citadel. _That _was a good time. I think I threw up all night, but… it was worth it."

Kaidan chuckled. "I remember you tried to get me to dance. You held my hands and tried to pull me up from my chair. You were more drunk than I was – I've got some pounds on you, Shepard, so there's no way you could out drink me – but I acted like we were both completely gone. You tried to pull me up and I… I pretended to lose my balance."

His dark eyes slid shut, the smile lingering on his face. "We both fell backwards into the chair. You were against me, just for a moment. Your hair smelled like oranges. I'll never forget the smell, tangy and sweet. Like you."

He stayed reclined in his office chair for several long moments, but eventually the smile started to slip from his face. Shepard thought he had fallen asleep with the camera still recording, but eventually his eyes slowly opened. He leaned forward, head in his hands. "On the Normandy," Kaidan began, his voice catching in his throat. "I thought I could protect you. I thought… I thought…

"I don't know what I thought. But it didn't happen. One second you were there and everything was _fine_," his voice twisted, the pitch rising. She could hear the tears in his voice before they appeared on screen. He angrily wiped them away, looking at the wall, the ceiling, anything but the camera. "You were talking to Joker about something and then there was an approaching ship and the air vents kicked on and...

"I still remember smelling your hair again. The scent got caught in the breeze created by the vents and I was lost in it. Oranges. I planned to ask you to dinner as soon as we got back on shore, but... it never happened. They cut us like butter. You made me leave you."

This seemed to stir something within him. He stood, the chair tipping back from his quick ascension. "_You made me leave you!_ You pulled that goddamn rank card and _you used it against me_! Why? Shepard, I should have stayed with you! I _wanted_ to stay with you. I should have dragged you into an escape pod myself! I should have saved you and I couldn't and now you're gone and I don't know what to do..."

Kaidan lifted the chair from the floor, setting it back onto its wheels before sinking into it. He turned back toward the camera. "I should be looking into your eyes right now, Shepard. But instead I'm looking into a camera. That's the reality, isn't it? _You're gone_. I'm here. Everyone wishes it was the other way around. I don't blame them. And I miss you, Shepard. I do. I.. I've never said that, have I? I never told you that in my letter... just like I never told you a lot of things when you were still here and I still had the chance."

He looked away from the camera again, eyes rimmed with red and the dark circles beneath damp with tears.

"I'm drunk," he announced again, his voice raspy. "I'm going to bed."

* * *

**Kaidan002doc**

**1056**

_I see you everywhere, Shepard. You were there last night on my date with that doctor, in the curve of her mouth as she smiled. I drank so I wouldn't see it anymore._

_This morning I purchased a bottle of water and you were in the delivery girl that brought it to me. She had your haircut, but the shade was too light. _

_Sometimes I'll walk through crowds and see the way your shoulders curved or a swinging hip and I think of you._

_I miss you._

* * *

**Kaidan003doc**

**1316**

_Today was worse than the other times. I was buying some supplies for my crew members that weren't able to go on shore leave. One of the girls needed shampoo. There was one that smelled like oranges. I bought it. _

_I miss you so much, Shepard._

* * *

**Kaidan001img**

**1507**

A single picture appeared on screen. Kaidan was wearing a Systems Alliance uniform, smiling slightly as he shook someone's hand. The caption underneath read:

_I was promoted to Staff Commander today. People have a habit of shortening my title to 'Commander' in emergency situations. Whenever someone says 'Commander,' I always turn and expect to see them addressing you. But you're not there. _

_Of course you're not there._

* * *

**Kaidan004doc**

**0747**

_Haven't written in a while. Of course I still miss you, Shepard. Of course. But I think I'm finally starting to pull myself back together. I imagine you'd say something like, 'it's about time.' It _is_ about time... last week was the second anniversary of your death. _

_Sometimes I'll be sitting by myself and I'll absently put a hand to my hair and stir up the scent of oranges and suddenly you're in my every thought._

_I really need to stop using that shampoo._

* * *

**Kaidan005doc**

**1124**

_Not using the shampoo doesn't ward off thoughts of you. I bought more._

* * *

**Kaidan006doc**

**1639**

_Alliance colonies have started disappearing. You're exactly the person they would send to investigate this sort of thing, Shepard, but because you're gone... they get me instead. I've been told it will be nearly impossible to get any clues - there's no evidence at any of the sites. Somehow, the Alliance got a tip that the Horizon colonies would be next, so that's where I'm sent. Hopefully this trip won't be a wild goose chase._

* * *

**Kaidan007doc**

**6004**

_I heard the crew members talking en route to Horizon... they were talking about you. They said you were alive and because I was standing right next to them, I corrected them. I told them you had been gone for two years (two years, one month and six days) and they had been sent false information. _

_One of the boys insisted that no, you were alive. He pulled a datapad out, Shepard. He showed me footage some news anchor had managed to snag. It was you. Or at least, it looked like you. _

_I know you're gone, Shepard, but I still forgot to breath as I watched the video. The impersonator looked just like you, walked just liked you... even refused to give an interview, just like you would have done. _

_As soon as I'm off Horizon, I'm going to personally track down the person using your identity. I'll make them stop._

* * *

**Kaidan008doc**

**2210**

_There was no impersonator._

_It was you._

_I saw you today. On Horizon. We got attacked and you swooped in just like you always used to do. And then... you said you were working for Cerberus. I couldn't believe it, couldn't believe you would be alive all this time and not tell anyone. I said some things I didn't mean_... a lot_ of things I didn't mean. I was angry and hurt and I've missed you so much and when I finally started to move on, you came and tore everything down again._

_I don't know what I feel anymore. I get angry because of the way I treated you, then I get angry because you were alive and didn't think to tell me. I know we weren't anything more than friends, Shepard, but I had always hoped... I had always thought... you've always been special to me. And I thought I was special to you, too. _

_Garrus and I used to talk about you and he knew how much I liked you and even once suggested that you felt the same way, but duty came before your own feelings._

_I guess he was wrong about you. I guess... I was wrong about you. Was I_

_I still feel like this is some sort of dream, or maybe a nightmare._

_A nightmare in which you returned to your life and destroyed my own._

* * *

**Kaidan009doc**

**2254**

_I sent you an apology. I think you deserved more, Shepard, but that's all I can do right now. I don't want to distract you anymore. I know you've got things to do. _

_I guess I just have to let go again._

* * *

**Kaidan002vid**

**0812**

A new room came into view. It looked like a cabin on a ship. Kaidan was livid, pacing back and forth with purposeful strides like a caged animal. "How could – I can't _believe _– of all the stupid things –" he continued to pace, looking frustrated and angry as he tried to form sentences. Finally, he sat down in a chair in front of the camera and let out a long sigh.

"You almost died. _Again, Shepard. _Joker just sent me a message. Something was wrong with the Normandy and you and Garrus were trying to get parts and something went wrong… a mercenary ambush? An explosion? Just you and Garrus… I hear you're full of bullet holes, Shepard. Just... what were you even thinking? Why would you just take Garrus? What were you thinking? Do you not even _care_ about your life anymore?"

He stood again, gathering his jacket from a hook on the wall. "You're an idiot, Shepard. But the thing is… I'd prefer it if you were _my_ idiot, so I could watch over you and make sure you don't die _a second time._"

Kaidan pushed a button on a communication system near the door. "How long until we arrive at the Citadel?"

"Just over an hour, Commander."

He sighed. "Alright. Well. Have an escort ready to take me to Huerta Memorial," he ordered, before returning to the chair. "I guess I've got time to kill. I… no, I have something I need to do."


	4. Chapter 4

The datapad powered down with a low humming noise.

That was it.

Kaidan had contributed the last entry and in that last entry, the last thing he said was that he had to do something before he visited the hospital. Was that something gathering all of the Shepard Files and putting them on a datapad? Shepard wasn't sure. She ran her thumb around the edges of the datapad, biting her lip slightly. It_ seemed_ like Kaidan had done it, but… the tone in the accompanying note had reminded her of…

"Joker," she said, leaning over to press a button on the edge of her hospital bed. The voice of a nurse immediately flooded through a small speaker.

"Ah, Commander Shepard. I guess you've finally woken. What can I do for you?"

"Is a man named Joker in the waiting room?" she asked, silently hoping he was. She didn't think she could wait very long if he was aboard the Normandy and had to walk all the way to the hospital.

"I…" There was a pause, but Shepard could hear the nurse call out for Joker. A moment later, she returned to the com system. "Yes, ma'am, there is. Do you want me to send him in?"

Relief gathered in her chest. "Yes, please."

"Alright, just a moment."

'Just a moment' seemed like forever. Shepard found her fingers drumming along on the screen of the datapad impatiently as she waited for Joker to come to her hospital room. Finally, he arrived. The door opened with a muffled _swoosh _and in stepped the pilot of the Normandy.

"Hey, Commander," he said, surveying her state. He winced after a moment, taking a seat near her bed. "You look like shit."

Shepard scowled at him. "Thanks."

"Anytime. I mean it. What happened to your _face?_"

Instinctively, she reached up to prod her face gently with her fingers. Nothing hurt… she didn't feel any stitches or bandages on her face, either, unlike the rest of her body. Panic suddenly rose within her. Maybe she was just heavily sedated and her face was as black and purple as the rest of her. "What do you mean? What's wrong with my face?"

Joker's eyes squinted as he continued to study her. "It's just… damn, you're ugly. No wonder you didn't want the rest of the crew in here. They'd all be throwing up." He smiled.

She realized he was joking. "Ha. Ha," she said, tossing the datapad at him. He caught it, though scowled at her.

"You could have broken my finger. These things are heavy," he complained, turning the datapad around so he could view the screen. He turned it on, and then surveyed the list of files. Shepard watched as his eyebrows slowly crinkled in confusion. "What…"

His finger pressed one of the files and after a moment, his own voice filled the room.

"_- and it's sunrise, you can see it breaking over that planet over there."_

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," he hastily stopped the video of himself talking, and then turned the datapad off. His cheeks were flushed. "No reason to listen to _that!_"

"I have listened to it, though. I've looked at everything on that datapad."

Joker frowned, handing it back to her. "Why do you have these? Where did you get them?"

"They were delivered to me," she said, reaching to grab the slip of paper. Shepard pushed it into his hands. "Along with this. I asked you in here because, well… the note makes it sound like _you _did this. You certainly have enough experience with computers to get all the files, too."

Joker shrugged, putting the note aside after he read it. "It sounds like me, yeah. But I don't think I'd be dumb enough to blatantly write something like that. Give me more credit than that, Shep. Hmm. I could probably find out where these files were gathered from. Give us a clue to their origins, I guess."

She waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And what felt like an eternity later, but was probably more like ten minutes, Joker finally spoke. "Huh. That's… weird."

"What's weird?" she demanded, leaning over to get a better look at the datapad's screen. Her body immediately protested with sharp jabs of pain along her back. Shepard hissed slightly, wincing as she lowered herself back down to the bed. "What is it, Joker?"

"Well. When Chakwas set up the Shepard Files, she created a kind of… universally accessible storage unit for them. You could write up anything at any point in the universe and then upload it to her storage unit. Kind of like an old school mailbox. You could put stuff into it, but you couldn't take anything out or see the files that were in there already."

"Meaning…?"

He scowled at her. "Hold on, Eager Beaver. I'm getting there, alright? Jesus. Indulge in my showmanship skills, would you? Haven't been able to use them lately, because _don't joke around when the Commander is dying, Joker._"

"I wasn't dying!" she protested.

"You were unconscious for a while," Joker said flatly, rolling his eyes as he scrolled down the file list. "Anyway, back to what I was saying. Most of the files are coming directly from the Shepard Files storage unit that Chakwas had in her office. Someone had to break in and copy those files directly from the hard drive she had in her office."

"How do you know they had to break in? So it wasn't Chakwas?"

"_Hold on. _Damn," Joker said, sighing. "You know, maybe you're under too much stress to handle this news. I should just come back tomorrow, maybe."

"_Joker, if you do not tell me where the files came from, I will break your leg!_"

He laughed. "First day of being conscious and you're already threatening people with physical harm. There's the Commander I know. Okay, okay, hold on. So. Most of the files were copied directly from Chakwas' computer."

"_Most?_"

"Yep, _most _being the key word. The last… _eleven _files didn't come from Chakwas' server."

"Meaning…?"

"The last eleven files – Kaidan's files – were never part of the Shepard Files," Joker waited for a reaction, looking pleased with himself. Instead, Shepard blinked once, twice, three times. "You don't get it, do you?"

"I… Kaidan never submitted those last eleven files to Chakwas' collection?"

"Nope."

"So where did they come from?"

"Standard Alliance issue computer," Joker said, tapping the datapad screen. "The kind a military man would have. Registered to a certain K. Alenko."

"So… the hacker would have gotten them directly from Kaidan's computer?"

Joker stared at her. "Yes. But _nobody _hacked Kaidan's computer, Shepard."

"How do you know?"

"God, you're like a toddler. I guess I have to walk you through this," he said, rubbing his temples dramatically. "Okay. Everyone is supposed to submit everything that's about you to a certain server, right? The Shepard Files. So the hacker just went into Chakwas' office and gathered up all those videos. _But_… how did the hacker know about those files on Kaidan's computer?"

"I…" Shepard trailed off. She didn't have an answer. The chances that the hacker would have just instinctively known about the files that Kaidan had saved on his computer were… slim to none.

"Yep," Joker said, finally looking satisfied with the level of shock on her face. "I mean, yeah, there's always the chance that the hacker isn't Kaidan and they simply checked every computer that belonged to a Normandy crew member for files about you. But that's a lot of work. Plus, there are other things that make me think Kaidan did this."

Her voice was quiet as she spoke. "Other things like what?"

"Well, like the fact that the timestamps on the files are really weird. Kaidan – oh, excuse me – _the 'hacker_' added Kaidan's files before he added the other files that Chakwas had. And then they were renamed."

"Renamed?"

"Yeah. You see a pattern in the file names? 'Kaidandoc001' or 'Garrusvid001'? Chakwas did that on purpose to make organization easier. She's a doctor. She's tidy. The last eleven files weren't originally named 'Kaidan001vid' or 'Kaidan002doc.' They were just named 'vid1' and 'doc1.' If you were a hacker and you were trying to hurriedly slap all these files together on one datapad, why would you rename the files you got from Kaidan's computer?"

Shepard looked toward the ceiling, letting out a long breath. "To make it look like those files had always been a part of the Shepard Files."

"Which isn't something that I would do, if I was the hacker. I would just not rename them. But the hacker… you know, I'm just gonna go ahead and call him Kaidan. Just for kicks. _Kaidan _renamed the files to make it look like they hadn't been taken from his personal computer. So you wouldn't know he was the one behind all this."

Shepard bit her lip again, reaching over to take the datapad from Joker. "How sure are you?"

"I'd bet my life on it. And yours. And, yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and say I'd bet the entire human race on it. And also steak. You know I'm serious about this."

Kaidan had made the datapad. Kaidan had voluntarily given her all his feelings, all his secrets. He had included the files from his computer, even when he didn't have to. Kaidan had shown her how broken he had been, how lost and sad and hurt he had been without her there.

When she spoke, her voice cracked. "Can you send him in, Joker?"

He grinned and stood, heading for the door. A moment before he pushed the open button, he turned back toward her. "Wait… aren't you going to… fix yourself up?" he questioned. When her face twisted, he quickly put his hands up. "No, no, I didn't mean it _that way_. You don't look _that_ bad. It's just… you have bed head. And I didn't want to say anything while you were talking, but you should probably brush your teeth if you're going to be making out with Kaidan."

She flushed. "Good point," she said with a grimace, reaching to touch her hair. It felt disgusting. "I don't suppose you want to help me fix myself up, Joker?"

"Uhm, no, I'm going to pass," he said, looking uncomfortable. "I mean, I like girly bits as much as the next man, but… I don't like _Commander _bits, you know? Plus, once my hands touch you, you wouldn't want them to leave. Our professional relationship would be ruined by these magic makers."

She laughed, shaking her head. "Then send in a nurse, would you?"

"_That _I can do."

* * *

Thirty minutes later, Shepard felt much better about bringing Kaidan into her hospital room. The nurse had helped her wash her hair and had fetched dental hygiene tools, too. She had even insisted on putting a light layer of makeup onto the Commander, claiming, 'you're going to look back at this and want to know that you looked less like a corpse and more like a woman.'

"Okay," Shepard said finally, letting out a slow breath. "I guess… ask Kaidan to come in, would you?"

The nurse smiled. "Absolutely. Good luck, kiddo."

Shepard gave her a half-hearted smile, taking in a long breath. She held it for as long as she could, then slowly exhaled. She could do this. Why was she nervous? She had been in battles before, she had faced the Council… hell, she had _died! _Why did the idea of talking to Kaidan scare her so much?

She didn't have time to answer. The door opened softly, the _swoosh _sound followed by foosteps as Kaidan entered the room.

He was dressed in his Alliance uniform, stubble along his jaw and shadows beneath his eyes. Kaidan was looking at the floor as he entered the hospital room, his hands clasped formally behind his back.

"The nurse said you wanted to see me, Commander," he said quietly, vision trained on anything in the room but her.

Words. Words, words, words. Why wouldn't they come out? Where were they? Shepard opened her mouth, but no sound came out. There wasn't any air in her lungs, there wasn't anything going on in her head but the thought of him and how angry and defeated he had looked on his last video entry.

_Say something._

_Anything._

"Look at me."

The words were powerful and commanding. Shepard wasn't sure where they had come from or why she had chosen to say them; a thousand other things would have been better or more romantic. Instead, she had issued an order.

"Yes, Commander," he said, clearing his throat. Kaidan lifted his gaze, finally looking at her as she sat in her hospital bed.

His eyes were sad and regretful, but she could spy a growing spark in them, challenging her to continue speaking. Commander Shepard was not one to back down from a challenge. She cleared her throat.

"Come here."

"Yes, Commander."

His steps were slow, but steady. Finally, he arrived next to her bed. He looked down at her for a few seconds, before directing his gaze to the wall. Shepard pulled her covers off, and then slowly stood. It was difficult and painful, but finally she straightened, her eyes level with Kaidan's collarbone. His gaze was still trained on the wall.

"Look at me," she said, her voice a whisper. He didn't respond. "_Please, Kaidan._"

His gaze sunk from the wall to her dark eyes. And then he seemed to crumple. His arms moved from being clasped tightly behind his back and his hands rested on the curve of her waist. His fingers pulled at the soft hospital gown, tugging her close to him. He was on fire, or he might as well have been. His body was hot and as he pressed her head into his chest, she could hear his heart beat.

He was mumbling something as he ran his fingers through her hair, lightly pressing his lips to her scalp, her forehead, the tip of her ear.

"What?" she questioned quietly, her arms moving to tightly return his embrace.

"I said… _finally," _he breathed, and then she could feel his muscles tense as he held her. "I'm… I'm so sorry, Commander. I was a jackass on Horizon and then that message wasn't even enough to cover anything that happened. I just didn't-"

"Alenko."

"Yes, Commander?"

"You _were _a jackass," she said, pulling away from him slightly. "You blamed me for things I didn't do and I couldn't stop from happening. And that message was just like a slap to the face. After all we've been through, you doubted me. And that hurt, Alenko."

He said nothing, but his gaze had moved from her face back to the wall. His hands stayed on her waist, however.

"You owe me," she continued. "You have to make this up to me."

"And how am I supposed to do that?" he questioned, his voice cracking. "When I've made mistake after mistake and _you died _and just now you almost died _again _and I can't lose you again, Commander, please-"

"Alenko. Be quiet. And kiss me."

"I… what?" he questioned, his eyes snapping down to her face in surprise.

"You can't hold a woman like this and then not kiss her," she said, smiling slightly. His lips curved into a mirroring smile. "So you should probably follow through with this."

"Yes, Commander," he said, and then he pressed his warm lips to hers. His hand moved to cup her cheek, thumb tracing patterns over her skin as he moved his mouth from her lips to her jaw line, then down her neck. Very carefully, he backed her up to the edge of her bed, slowly lowering her to the bed. He pressed his hips against hers, fingers gripping the material of her hospital gown.

His fingers pressed into a particularly sensitive cut near her ribcage. She breathed sharply, wincing. Kaidan moved his hands away from her, trying to pull away from her kiss. She reached up, cupping the back of his neck with her palm. "Alenko."

"Yes, Commander?" he asked, touching his forehead to hers.

"You better not stop."

"Yes, Commander," he said with a smile, kissing her nose once before pressing his mouth to hers.


End file.
